By Austin G. Hackney
According to a recent article in Psychology Today, women are more likely to endure toxic friendships than men. That maybe because society expects women to be more patient, forgiving, and devoted in their relationships. It may also be because women go deeper and place more value on their friends than do many men. But toxic friends put you down, demand your constant support without giving back, and can often act like “emotional vampires” without a thought for your well-being.
What Is a Toxic Friendship?
Friendship can only happen between equals. A good friendship is about the balance of give and take. A healthy balance is the key to a healthy and happy relationship of any sort, including friendships. In a toxic friendship, it’s a one-way street. One side gets all the attention and respect while the other does nothing but give, sometimes to the point of personal sacrifice and exhaustion.
How Toxic Friendships Influence Your Life
Friendships are the backbone of most women’s lives and have a powerful impact on all their other relationships; with partners, family, children, and work colleagues. A healthy friendship contributes positively to the lives of both people involved. But if you have a toxic friendship, that poison can bleed out and infect all your other relationships, too.
How to Recognize a Toxic Friendship
A friendship can be toxic even if it goes back a long way in your life. Often, it’s the long history with a toxic friend and the fact you’ve become used to it that can make it hard to acknowledge. A toxic friendship is unsupportive, unequal, stresses you out, leaves you feeling misunderstood and used. It can feel stifling and drain your energy, to leave you feeling exhausted and depressed. In a toxic friendship, you do all the giving and get nothing back.
While everyone can have a bad day, let the worst aspects of their personality get the better of them, or treat others badly once in a while, a toxic friend is consistently negative toward you, makes you feel bad about yourself, criticizes you, and often puts you down. It’s difficult to admit that you have a toxic friendship with someone you’ve known for years, and the dynamic can be subtle and hard to define.
Some friendships start out toxic, others turn toxic. Whether a friendship has been toxic for a lifetime or has just turned that way, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to deal with. But your physical, social, and mental health will suffer if you don’t.
Many women feel trapped in toxic friendships. Even when their real friends point out they’re always sad or in a bad mood after they’ve been with the toxic friend. One effect of toxicity in a friendship is that you feel you can’t get out of the relationship, that you’d be letting someone down when they need you most. But for your sake and for the sake of the toxic friend, you need to take action before matters get any worse. The following five steps will help you:
1. Acknowledge the Problem
Before you can do anything else, you must accept and acknowledge that the relationship you have with that person has become toxic. If you don’t, your friend will keep hurting you and you will give her permission to do so. You need to say “enough is enough” and make a positive commitment to addressing the situation, however hard it may be for you.
2. Reset Your Boundaries
One of the core problems in a toxic friendship is that the boundaries between what it’s reasonable for that friend to ask of you and what it isn’t have broken down. You can’t look after others if you don’t know how to look after yourself. So, take a long hard look at what you need to take care of you, and reset those interpersonal boundaries, making them clear to yourself and to the other person. Learn to say no and don’t take thoughtless criticism lying down.
3. Get Another Perspective
When you’re tangled up in a toxic friendship, it’s tough to figure out all the dangerous dynamics in play. Often, an outside eye can help you get a clearer perspective on the truth of what is happening. Talk to your other friends, family members, or even work associates about the relationship and listen to their points of view. This can help you realize and acknowledge the toxicity and also give you courage and support to challenge it.
4. Show Some Tough Love
Your toxic friend behaves as she does for a reason. It’s unlikely she’s just plain mean. So, if you talk to her about her behavior, and ask her why she acts that way, you may discover the issues that lie behind the problem. It can be a hard step to challenge a toxic friend in this way, but it’s a much more effective way of helping her than letting her push you around. If she isn’t responsive, you can also suggest she might need counselling or other professional support.
5. Know When to Walk Away
Ending any relationship is never easy. Bringing a long-term friendship to a close may be toughest of all. But if the relationship is only hurting you and you can’t help the other person, or she won’t let you, then you have no choice but to walk away. If it gets to that point, take time to explain to the toxic friend why you’ve given up, and make sure you have plenty of support from your real friends to deal with any immediate backlash.
Balance and reciprocity are the bases of a healthy friendship. They should make both parties feel happier, stronger, and more able to deal with life than they would without that friendship. If you have a friend who only makes demands, only focuses on her own problems, and is always negative about you, that’s a toxic friendship and you need to do something about it. Leave it longer and will get more difficult. So, make a start straightaway by following these five steps. Both you and your friend will be better for it.
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