With the advent of dating (or rather, hook-up) apps and the increased popularity of social media, people prefer the comfort of the hook-up culture over traditional dating. The reason behind that is easy to see – no commitment, no need for vulnerability, no emotional investment, and no rejection. There is no need to get out of the comfort zone or worry about the future. The hook-up culture is widely prevalent among young adults and has also spread fast among the older generations.
Many older people go through bad relationships and then decide not to have them at all. Prior experience or not, many singles in the US adapt to the single life and take inspiration from songs and movies. However, one common conclusion they all eventually come to is that even if they do exactly as in the movie, there is a void that prevents them from being happy. The “happy to be single” mindset causes people to get into the habit of preventing close, intimate relationships and only building transactional, temporary ones. While hook-ups might be easy, after a long day, all we really want is to go home to someone.
The Dating Experiment
An experiment performed by Professor Kerry Cronin of Boston College says that the “Netflix and chill” ideology is not just about the easy availability of sex; instead, its popularity is because going on dates is an anxiety-inducing phenomenon among the youth. Spending some time on a coffee date with an unknown person made them nervous, and these were accomplished and well-read students with excellent social life. It seemed that they had never been on a proper date; the entire idea of spending time with a new person and opening up about themselves was strange to them.
The second part of the experiment was that the selected students, ranging from ages 20-40, had to go on 60-90-minute dates while following a set of rules (limited physical contact, the date must be within three days of asking, the person who asks pays the bill, no alcohol, etc.) after which they had to discuss their experiences. This experiment was used for a documentary where the producers aimed to bring out the fact that what everyone really wants is a deeper, more real connection, not a disposable, superficial one. It is just that people are too scared to ask for it or have the bravery to handle possible rejection.
Why Choose Relationships Over Hook-Ups
It has been observed that people do want a happy, content, wholesome, fulfilling relationship over quick getaways. Reducing the sexual aspect of dating and instead focusing on building a connection helps people understand the other person better and make a decision about whether they will be a good fit in their lives or not. It also teaches them rejection, which is an essential and inevitable part of dating. Without rejections, people tend to have unrealistic views about themselves and others around them. It also gives them the opportunity and space for self-reflection and to figure out what they really want out of dating.
While hook-ups are convenient, they are nowhere as satisfying as proper relationships are. Having a relationship with someone enables you to grow emotionally as a person. You get the opportunity to build a support system for times when you are down and have them cheer for you when you are excelling, and you get the chance to do the same for them. A reciprocal relationship where you know someone loves and cares for you as much as you do for them can be a very satisfying experience. Imagine coming home to hugs and kisses and traveling with them on vacations. Even daily mundane acts like cooking and cleaning can be turned into a fun experience with the one you love.
How to Date Effectively
Before putting a big step forward into the world of dating, you should begin by asking yourself a few questions –
1. Why am I dating?
This question helps you understand what you want out of dating someone. Are you doing it to get over a past bad relationship? Do you think dating will be a distraction from your problems? Is it to have a good time, or do you want it to end in marriage? If you answered ‘yes’ to the first two questions, you should probably take some time for yourself and sort out the issues instead of burdening someone else with your emotions. If you answered ‘yes’ to the last two questions, that’s great! You are ready to date but make sure you convey it to the other person within a few months of dating so you can save your and their time if they have something else in mind.
2. Am I ready to be vulnerable?
Sharing time with someone for a more extended period means you share your life – all the good and the bad. That also means you will have moments of vulnerability as we all do, and you shouldn’t be afraid to be open to your partner about it. It is only human to be vulnerable and have bad times. Wouldn’t it be wonderful when your partner is there to hold you while you are feeling sad?
3. Am I ready to put in effort?
Being in a relationship is easier said than done. Every relationship has ups and downs, and that includes romantic relationships. While the ups are full of happiness and fun, the downs might make you feel like giving up. It is easy to give up and run away if you never had intentions to keep it going in the first place, but if the relationship is important to you, you will make efforts to stay and sail through the storm.
4. Am I comfortable communicating?
As they say, communication is the key to all problems. The anchor to every relationship is good communication, and it is essential to convey your thoughts and listen to your partner’s thoughts to develop understanding and trust. If you want to evade your way out of communicating and instead retreat into your shell every time a problem knocks at the door, it is better to work on this issue before you start dating. It is hurtful and confusing to see a partner close up instead of discussing matters, and that might even make things worse because then the other person has no option other than to assume. Communication is also essential right from the start because that will help you determine whether the other person is compatible with your life and ideals or not.
Once you figure out that you are ready to start dating, you can quickly begin by registering yourself on dating apps or talking to people outside your social circle. There are few things you must keep in mind for a healthy and happy relationship –
- 1. Be emotionally involved but independent – Being dependent on someone emotionally can become a massive burden for the other person. It can also take a significant toll on your life because a small argument with them can ruin your entire day and prevent you from effectively utilizing your time and energy. You will indeed have an emotional connection with your partner, and you both must slowly build that. Focus on developing an emotional bond with them instead of just being satisfied with spending a night with them. Emotional and spiritual connections are deeper and more fulfilling than just sex.
- 2. Respect their time and space – Everyone has their own life beyond the person they are dating. They have their circle of friends and family who have been there for them when you have not. Respect that and let them enjoy time with their loved ones while you enjoy with yours. It would be best to have a circle beyond your partner to have a good social life and support system. Respect and appreciate their individual goals and be their personal cheerleader while giving them space and encouragement to grow personally and professionally. A supportive partner is a loving and caring partner.
- 3. Focus on understanding and compromising rather than asserting – If you have been single for a long time, you have already set your daily life in a certain way. It can be challenging to accommodate someone else in it, but you have to try your best to understand the other person and be ready to make a few compromises. However, remember that you don’t have to turn your life around for them, and neither should you expect them to do it for you. There must be equality and balance in the relationship for both of you to be happy and satisfied.
Romantic relationships are certainly not easy, but once you ease into them, it can be extremely emotionally gratifying. You will have someone for emotional and physical fulfillment, and it is also a satisfying feeling to care for someone. We, as humans, are social animals. We thrive best with fellow humans, and relationships are the best way to do that. However, it is also essential to understand ourselves and each other before jumping into relationships. Take it slow and easy, and let the relationship develop organically. Don’t be afraid to take the leap of faith; after all, you can’t know how something will turn out if you don’t let it happen in the first place.
